Beating A Dead Horse | Dipped In Cream

24Aug/102

Lindsay Lohan is free to snort and chug! PARTY AT LINDSAY’S!

Whooo-Hooooo!!

OhforpitySAKE. Sounds as though Lindsay will be skipping out of her 90-day court-ordered drug rehab at the UCLA Medical Center today or tomorrow. Seems she doesn't "need more than 30 days" of rehab, according to the new judge handling the case. Oh. Okaaaay...23 Days is The New 90-Day Rehab!

Oh, Lindsay.

via TMZ:

Lindsay was released after 23 days at the Hospital. Lindsay will receive outpatient care for the foreseeable future.

We're told the doctors at UCLA were very clear with Judge Elden Fox ... they felt Lindsay should be released from the facility immediately, and the judge saw it their way.

Judge Marsha Revel had previously ordered Lindsay to spend 90 days at UCLA.
A court hearing is scheduled tomorrow, although we've learned Lindsay will not be there."

Durrrr....of course Lindsay won't be there. And as for her "out-patient rehab"? I'll believe it when I see it. Does rehab usually start at 11:00 in the p.m.? She might be able to swing by on her way to Voyeur.

So, just in case you're entirely familiar with Lindsay's arrest record, I have it for you to study. Enjoy!

Lindsay - one week from now?

June 2010 - Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM device was apparently set off while attending a 2010 MTV Movie Awards after party. Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel found Lindsay to be in violation of the original agreement and issued a warrant for her arrest and upped the bail to $200,000. The bond was quickly posted and the warrant was removed. The troubled starlet denied any wrongdoing and even posted a bunch of Tweets in her own defense. Lindsay is still expected in court on July 6.

May 2010 - Lindsay was issued a temporary passport and when she returned home at the end of May, a judge mandated that she wear a SCRAM device (court issued alcohol monitoring device) on her ankle. Lindsay was forbidden from consuming alcohol and scheduled to appear in court on July 6.

May 2010 - When she failed to appear at a court hearing, a bench warrant was issued for Lindsay's arrest. She was partying it up at the Cannes Film Festival in France, claiming to be stuck there with her passport stolen. As quickly as it was issued, the warrant was withdrawn after her people posted the $100,000 bond.

LINDSAY LOHAN RUMORED CRIMINAL RECORD FOR 2008 and 2009

June 2009 - Rumors swirled that Lindsay allegedly stole $400,000 worth of Dior jewelry. She posed for Elle U.K. on June 6 and it was discovered that jewels from the photo shoot were missing. Two days later, reps from the studio went to the police and reported a pair of diamond earrings and a necklace stolen. Coincidentally, it was the same set that Lindsay wore in the photos. No charges were ever filed in the case.

January 2008 - Rumor had it that Lindsay allegedly stole an $11,000 fur coat from Masha Markova while attending a private party at 1 Oak in NYC. After several back and forth phone calls, the coat was mysteriously returned to the rightful owner without charges being filed.

LINDSAY LOHAN CRIMINAL RECORD FOR 2007

November 2007 - Lindsay is convicted and sentenced to one day in jail, 10 days community service, three years probation, and an 18-month alcohol education program. She goes on to serve exactly 84 minutes behind bars.

August 2007 - Lindsay checks into rehab and heads to Cirque Lodge in Utah.

July 2007 - Just 10 days after leaving rehab, Lindsay is arrested again for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She is found with cocaine in her pockets and tries to convince cops that the pants weren't hers.

July 2007 - Lindsay completes 45 days of residential rehab treatment at Promises. After checking out, she wears an alcohol monitoring bracelet.

May 2007 - Lindsay is arrested for DUI and cops find cocaine in her possession.

So let this be a lesson to all of you non-celebrities. THIS KIND OF LEGAL TREATMENT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. (In your gotdamn dreams.)

Written by: Diva Julia

11Aug/106

Jennifer Lopez too much of a DIVA for “American Idol”? (PICTURES)

"Oh, no FOX ditn't!"

So, I hear-tell that talks between Jennifer Lopez and FOX have fallen through with regard to La Diva's possible seat at the American Idol judge's table. Allegedly, Mama's demands stipulations were just a bit much for the FOX and American Idol execs.

JLo's appearance on "South Park" kind of says it all...(photo: Comedy Central/SouthPark)

Wait. Are you telling me that JLo is arrogant, demanding, self-absorbed, high maintenance and difficult to work with? You have got to be kidding me.

JLo and Skelator

Hold UP. Are we talking about THE Miss Jennifer Lopez? The aging, mother of twins with the celebrated booty who is married to that tiny, skinny Skelator dude? The same chick who back in the day actually gave us some decent dance music around 1999 (oh, did I love Waiting for Tonight eleven years ago!) and was in one really good movie with George Clooney? Stop me if I've got it wrong. Is this the same Jennifer Lopez who was dropped by her record label, SonyMusic back in February of 2010?

Ummmm....nice outift, gurrrl.

The same Jennifer Lopez who reportedly asked for a helicopter, a speedboat (stocked with champagne, of course), an on-call masseuse, a team of 12 hairdressers and make-up artists, and a pair of diamond-encrusted headphones on her rider for her performance at the World Music Awards, ? That one? (Take a look at JLo's demands polite requests from the Dorchester Hotel in London, mmmkay?)

Really??

Are we talking about the same back-biter JLo who totally took over the Cruise/Holmes wedding back in 2006 with her entitled self? (The wedding was all about HER after all...)

Seriously. You need to correct me if I've got this all wrong. I mean, who wouldn't demand politely request a 2000 sq. foot, all-white dressing room filled with white flowers (roses or lilies ONLY), white Jo Malone candles, ambient lighting--but a white-hot spotlight to accentuate our "flawlessness"--oh, I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Snippy IS judging YOU, Jen.

Oh, JLo. Judging for American Idol really could've helped your cache` (not really), but you had to go and demand ask for more than you really need, didn't you? Now YOU are being judged, Mami.

Written by: Diva Julia

27Jul/100

“Human Centipede” Director, Tom Six Receives Death Threats, and couldn’t care less.

The Human Centipede Jewelry Line via: Etsy

As you may or may not know, DivaJulia and I are a little obsessed with the movie, The Human Centipede. It's more about how insane the movie, and the idea behind it is, rather than the movie itself. The movie hasn't received cult status just yet, but there have been HC tattoos. You can even get a chew toy for your cat or a nice cheap necklace on Etsy!

Nice tat, Fräulein.

The Human Centipede CAT toy. What? Nothing for a 3-Dog??

However, while we can see the humor in the movie, some people can't. Dutch director, Tom Six said that he expected his movie to divide audiences. "On Facebook people made a fan page for myself and the film," he told the BBC. "Some people say I have to be shot and some people want to sterilise me - and others say I'm the most genius film-maker there is."

Say it with us! "FEEEED HERRRR!" Oh, Dieter Laser.

Well, I don't know about all that. Tom also suggested that he doesn't take the threats seriously, "I take it all with a blink of the eye, because why would you shoot a film-maker? I don't really care about it."

There are two more Human Centipede movies in the works so he can look forward to more threats. This sounds like a good idea for a movie though, don't you think?

Written by: Brittani

22Jul/1014

Let’s talk about Jaden and Willow Smith for a moment, shall we?

Jaden (The Smug!) Smith

Willow (Baby, I'mma a ROCKSTAR) Smith. She's 9 years old, people.

I think I've made it clear in the past that I do not care for Jaden Smith. He presents himself as a smug, spoiled brat, and I think his parents encourage his childish elitism. Now we have little sister, Willow, who appears to think she's Rihanna. And, why may I ask, is this little girl signing autographs in London? Because she made a cameo in a movie one of her dad's films?

Here's the thing. I did allow my son Hunter to "express himself" when he was in 5th and 6th grade. We went through the bleached, spikey hair, black nailpolish, and even...wait for it...tiny butterfly clips. Yeah. I know. Hunter got so much sh*t from every teacher--except his OWN teacher, the wonderful Mrs. Waterman, for wearing those clips. So naturally, being the hot-head that I was (ahem), I had to make a stink about the other small-minded teachers who kept complaining about my kid's HAIR. Say it with me: "Ahhh, HELLLL NAAAWW!" I gotta give it to the Principal, though. She was great and agreed that the teachers who said Hunter's hair was "distracting" were full of crap, (my words) and being sexist, thus allowing him to do whatever he wanted with his hair.

Take a gander, won't you? (Again. Thank the Lawd that Hunter doesn't read Mama's blog...he'd kill me.)

Ahhh, yes. Hunter's 10th birthday party.

and...

Hunter as Billy Idol - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Hunter, age 12 1/2. What a difference 18 months made.

And...Hunter now.

So, I do believe in letting kids express themselves, apparently. I just don't don't care for smug, bratty Hollywood kids as a rule. (Clearly, the Jolie-Pitt clan are not included in this rant. Just look at Chaz Shiloh!)

Jeez. Leave to Dina Lohan Mama to turn this into a Hunter post.

Written by: Diva Julia

17Jul/104

Katie Holmes as Jackie O and 4 year-old Suri is still swaddled and carried in her blankie.

We GET it, Katie. You're a MOM! Put Stinkfoot DOWN already!

Oh forpitysake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Katie Holmes has been cast and is working on a mini-series about Jackie Kennedy-Onassis. Honk shoooo. The mini-series will be under scrutiny, both for Katie's wardrobe and whether or not she duplicate Jackie's odd manner of "whisper-speak". Nothing else will matter. (Aside from a really bad performance?)

What I'd really like to address, though, the issue of FOUR YEAR OLD Suri, who wears high heels and red lipstick at times, but yet is carted about in the arms of her parents in the heat of summer, wrapped up in her one-time use Little Giraffe blankets at ALL TIMES. I actually picture a giant-sized Kleenex box filled with these $90.00 blankets for each day's use. Some are snowy white, some are baby pink...depending on Suri's demands. Cray cray. It's not as if Katie and Suri don't have a crap-load of He Man bodyguards surrounding them, and lest we forget, Katie and Suri are clearly on set of this (possibly eye-rollingly bad) mini-series.

Spoiled Little Brat.

Written by: Diva Julia

3Jul/102

David Letterman Gives Larry King a Fairwell Top Ten List (VIDEO)

STILL FUNNY.

Dave gave a pretty durn hilarious Top Ten the other night for Larry King's retirement. Watch it, then we'll chat...
via CBS/HuffPo:

Ohmygyaaaah...the e-coli flubs. Hilarious!

Some people (pssssh!) have their panties in a wad because Dave mocked Larry and his um, philandering ways. So what? I think it makes Dave more fearless. Oh, and you know what? Dave's own indiscretion(s) -- again, thankyouverymuch, Tiger Woods -- irritated me at first, sure. But it didn't seem to hurt his career any (Leno's, aka Lowest Common Denominator, ratings are far lower than CONAN'S were, by the by), at least in the long-term.

I'm a complete hypocrite at times (NO!). But at least I admit it. Team Dave. ALWAYS Team Dave.

Written by: Diva Julia

2Jul/103

Happy Birthday, Lindsay Lohan…(eyeroll) How ’bout a punch in the face?

I love this photo...Happy Birthday, Linds!

You know, no one could make up the kind of crap Lindsay always seems to find herself in--like getting punched by a waitress last night, while she was hanging out with that other idiot Doug Reinhardt (I seriously don't even know or CARE about this dude. I just know he was always photographed kissing/fighting with Paris Hilton while they begged for attention from the paps.).

AnyHOOKER. Lindsay Tweeted to the world about the altercation:

I just love how nothing is EVER Lindsay's fault. NOTHING. She's always being "set up". Everyone is always trying to make her look bad -- it's never LINDSAY'S bad behavior. I realize I went OFF last week about how we all know people like Lindsay. Remember the Word of the Day--ENTITLEMENTARIANISM?

Y'all heard about the big, set-up to make Lindsay look bad photoshoot that was shown on BRAVO's series Double Exposure, right? You know, where Lindsay showed up 11 hours late, looking haggard/wasted and making squinchy faces at the dirty stripper pole? (Like she hasn't had worse things inside her body...c'mon Lindsay.) Naturally, Lindsay claims BRAVO executives intentionally gave her the wrong time so she would be late. The crazy thing is for anyone to even think Lindsay could be ANYWHERE at 10:00 a.m. without an attorney dragging her flat ass to court the location. So maybe, in Lindsay's mind, it WAS a set up! How DARE they think she could get on the pole at the hour!

Oh, and I love this quote by the photographer on Double Exposure:

"I literally need to think of myself as a wildlife photographer.. There's almost a danger element to her presence," said a photographer. "You never know what's gonna happen in the next two and a half seconds. Is she gonna bite you?

That was quite possibly the biggest compliment EVER given to Lindsay. She's getting it tattooed on her scabby, clear skin as we speak.

Written by: Diva Julia

2Jul/104

Hey Lebron James? Hurry UP and DECIDE!

By: Alexander Stroud

King James? Hurry the eff UP!

Where does LeBron want to play next season? How about this ....

Lebron is enjoying every second of being the top free agent of all time. He'll turn his back on the fans in Cleveland where he never delivered a title,and possibly wind up in a bigger city with a bigger basketball market. Depending on where heart really is, he may end up winning it all next year in Chicago. Or he'll wind up in New York to try and save a suffering franchise with his own two hands. Either way, dude is soaking it up in the sports world limelight, stealing the spotlight even during a great NBA Finals series. Seriously, going on Larry King Live to chit-chat about being the biggest free agent in years, immediately following his own early exit from the playoffs (again). Who does that? Oh, and until Lebron makes a decision, absolutely no other player or team will make a move, therefor making it the LBA.

So should Bron-Bron stay in Cleveland and reward the city that supported him and bent over backwards for seven years trying to appease him? Or should he hop over to a bigger city and let the takeover continue?

Either way, Lebron needs to hurry up. There are other players and teams who need to make moves.

Written by: Diva Julia

26Jun/104

Paltrow is a brittle boned bitch? GASP!

"Brittle Bone Disease is the new anorexia. I'm SO ahead of the curve." - Paltrow

So. The blonde bitch who sets my hair on fire with utter revulsion seems to have a case of the brittle bone disease. Maybe it's that Maple Syrup diet and the 24/7 cleansing and that are making your bones collapse in on themselves, Paltrow. Or maybe it's that you are the personification of smug pretentiousness. (I'm not quite sure, so I'm calling Sally Field later in the day for a clear answer.)

Hey, remember Paltrow's self-important interview with Vogue magazine a couple months back? Let's revisit her blathering for a moment, shall we?

"Oh yes, I can be mean. I can cave in to gossip. I can ice people out and I can definitely harbour revenge. In fact, I'm having a situation right now with a friend where I'm feeling pretty angry..."

Really? Paltrow? "Icy and vengeful?" Jesus H. Stating the obvious is clearly Paltrow's side-job.

I came across a fantastic quote from the gorgeous, naughty, world-traveling chef Anthony-effing-Bourdain with regard to The One Whom I Loathe:

Why, yes. I WOULD like a bite.

"Bourdain was quick to poke fun at Batali’s PBS series, ‘Spain… On the Road Again,’ which features the chef and Gwyneth Paltrow on a culinary tour of Spain – but he had a bone to pick with Batali’s A-list co-star. “Why would you go to Spain with the one bitch who refuses to eat ham?”

Snips.

Perfection. Did any of you see that series? I lasted about 10 minutes, all the while LITERALLY screaming at the TV. I'm not a fan of Batali and his pompous, orange Croc-wearing fat ass. So when I saw that these two priggish, self-satisfied a-holes were together, looking down their noses at every single viewer because, after all, we couldn't possibly understand the lovely nuances of "their Spain", I did myself a favor and turned the gotdamn TV off. (Or changed the channel to something more appropriate for the great, unwashed masses.)

Hey, Paltrow? Drink a huge glass of milk with a lovely grilled cheese, you idiot. For someone who "claims" to be so knowledgeable about health and nutrition and writes about this shit on her GOOP blog, this calls for the "define irony" quote.

Thanks, Annette.

Written by: Diva Julia

22Jun/106

Today’s Word of the Day – Entitlementarianism (“Cuz I’m an entitled bitch, baby!”)

Jerry Seinfeld, "Why do we give the FINGER? Why not the TOE?"

That's some major Side-Eye Jerry's givin'.

Jerry Seinfeld is being metaphorically stoned for being pissed off at Lady Gaga's behavior during a Met's home game the other night. I'm not throwing anything at Jerry, but I'm gonna throw some shade at Gaga.

Think about it. You pay an exorbitant amount of money for a private box for season tickets to your favorite team. Another celebrity misbehaves (i.e. wearing underwear and a baseball jersey, proceed to get drunk....blah blah blah...you know the rest from Brittani's post earlier, yes?)

via ESPNNewYork.com

"I don't understand how this is good for her, but I'm sure she understands her milieu better than I ever could," Seinfeld said in an interview on New York radio station WFAN, according to ESPNNewYork.com.

The comedian said he can't believe Mets officials put Gaga in his unoccupied private box without his permission after she flipped off photographers taking pictures of her in the box seats at Citi Field on July 10. "You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we're living in now?" Seinfeld joked.

ANYthe-world-revolves-around-ONLY-me.

Here are a few definitions of a word that should be used a bit more these days.

via People's Dictionary, Definition of Entitlementarianism

1. The belief or perception by an individual or group that they have legitimate entitlement or pre-ownership over some thing, circumstance, event or issue that may affect them or others.

2. The notion of rights to things as a direct benefit of birth.

via Urban Dictionary, Definition of Entitlement Bitch:

Person (male or female) who are under the impression that they are the ruler of the world... or at least the establishment they are getting service in. Basically a person who expects to get what he wants in a store, restaurant, etc., with no regard to policies or laws.

Think about the people in your lives. Do you have individuals--who you probably love--who simply cannot understand how their behavior or outlook on life is purely and selfishly incredibly misguided? I am finding Lady Gaga's actions over the weekend altogether too familiar on occasion in my life. (Except that Gaga basically got away with her crap.) I assume I'm not the only one who feels embarrassed or angry with regard to being stuck at the wrong end of an incident involving one of the Entitlement Bitches. Am I?

Tell me your stories. WHY is it always All. About. THEM?

I'm exhausted.

Written by: Diva Julia

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Managing Editor

DivaJulia is a nutty, sarcastic, yet overly-sensitive former model-turned-photographer and writer. She's also the Managing Editor of Dipped in Cream.

Contributors

Brittani is a 20-something North Carolina native and aspiring writer traveling through life with a martini in one hand and a remote control in the other.

Lisa Foiles is a video game journalist & former star of Nickelodeon's "All That." She currently produces her own web series Everyday Achievements & enjoys Guinness.