Elin NORDEGREN on the cover of People Magazine

There is no way there is anything all that titillating in the soft-serve that IS People Magazine's cover story with Elin Woods Nordegren.  I'd go so far to say that Elin's "interview" with the mag was laid out in the divorce settlement in terms of what she would reveal.  And guess what?  There's nothing wrong with that.  Apparently, Elin is only 40 credits away from a degree in psychology.  I call that the definition of irony.

via People.com

"In 19 hours over four visits to her Windermere, Fla., rental home, Nordegren shared never-before-seen personal photographs and opened up to PEOPLE about the emotional roller coaster she's been on, her life as a mother to Sam, 3, and Charlie, 19 months, and her hopes for the future.

"My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal," she says.

She tells the magazine this was her first – and last – interview, as she intends to remain a private person."

Late for an "appointment", Tiger?

Tiger Woods, though,  just released a statement when asked about the dissolution of his marriage, saying:

"You don't go into a marriage looking to get divorced."

Wow.  Super heartfelt, huh?  He still can't totally own up to what he did to Elin and the kids by ho-ing around and publicly humiliating them.

Good luck with your game, Tiger.

Related posts:

1. Awwww, jeez. Justin Bieber is on the cover of People Magazine.
2. Tiger and Elin’s divorce is FINAL. (Read: He’s free to be a man-ho and she’s rich.)
3. Jesse James is a Nazi-loving, cheating, HOMOPHOBE. Also: Tiger, Elin and Jim Carrey

Elin, smilin' mean at Tiger. Heh.

Tiger Woods can kiss my fat ass.  Oh wait.  He won't have time for that, what with writing ENORMOUS checks to Elin and SUCKING at golf.  Man, why can't Camilo Villegas be a better golfer?  I wanna see that hot piece in tight white (or pink or orange or black or bright green or yellow...okay, I'll stop) pants.  Not this has-been.  Oh yeah, I said it. HAS-EFFING-BEEN.

The couple has released a statement requesting their "privacy" and shit.

"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future," they said in a statement released by Nordegren's Virginia-based law firm of McGuireWoods. "While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.

Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."

Whatever, Tiger.  Elin and the kids?  THEY deserve privacy and will probably GET  it after awhile.  Tiger, though, will have a white-hot spotlight on his ass for a long time.  But not in the way he used to, via his billions  of dollars in endorsements.  Nope.  He'll be shown losing on the links, photographed on boats with hoes. (Oh, Step Brothers.)

Tiger Woods, y'all.

Related posts:

1. Jesse James is a Nazi-loving, cheating, HOMOPHOBE. Also: Tiger, Elin and Jim Carrey
2. Tiger Woods to Mel Gibson: “I don’t NEED your help, thanks.” And Michelle Obama to Barack regarding Tiger Woods: “Excuse me?”
3. Tiger Woods – Full statement. Now what? **UPDATE**

Tiger Woods making his long-awaited statement

For those of you who may have been unable to watch Tiger  Woods give his statement this morning, I have obtained the transcript.  Sadly, you do not see the awkward reading, his staged glare at the camera every time he says the words, "I'm sorry", or hear the choreographed SNIFF after saying, "thank you" at the end of the statement.

via extratv.com

"Good morning, and thank you for joining me.  Many of you in this room are my friends.  Many of you in this room know me.  Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.  I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish.  People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children.  And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior.  As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time.  We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you.  I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did.  I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss.  Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night.  It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that.  Elin never hit me that night or any other night.  There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever.  Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal.  Elin deserves praise, not blame.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior.  I was unfaithful.  I had affairs.  I cheated.  What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in.  I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply.  I never thought about who I was hurting.  Instead, I thought only about myself.  I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by.  I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to.  I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.  I felt I was entitled.  Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.

I was wrong.  I was foolish.  I don't get to play by different rules.  The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.  I brought this shame on myself.  I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done.  My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before.  It's now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made.  It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome.  Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example.  Character and decency are what really count.

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids.  I owe all those families a special apology.  I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do.

For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing.  I have a long way to go.  But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions.  I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful.  I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together.  Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me.  These are issues between a husband and a wife.

Some people have made up things that never happened.  They said I used performance‑enhancing drugs.  This is completely and utterly false.  Some have written things about my family.  Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight.  They did not do these things; I did.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children.  They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements.  When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them.  However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow my two‑and‑a‑half‑year‑old daughter to school and report the school's location.  They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom.  Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone.

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change.  I owe it to my family to become a better person.  I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man.  That's where my focus will be.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.  Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age.  People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years.  Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.  It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint.  Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change.  Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy.  I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I'm making these remarks today.

In therapy I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life.  I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my marriage and my children.

That also means relying on others for help.  I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help.  I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be.

I don't rule out that it will be this year.  When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game.  In recent weeks I have received many thousands of emails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes.  To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you.  Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.

I want to thank the PGA TOUR, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life.  I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me.  Today I want to ask for your help.  I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

Thank you."

It's a mess here on the internet right now, what with all the bloggers (ahem) and Twitterers (okay, I do that, too!).  In a lot of aspects, there is a male - female division with regard to the collective guttural response to Tiger's statement/apology/bad acting. I think you can guess my take on all this.

I guaran-effing-TEE that Tiger didn't want to do this press conference (read: NOT a real press conference, for a real one allows questions).  He was stiff and coached.  Every single time he said, "I'm sorry" - he looked directly at the camera. HARD.  Then he had to bring Buddhism into it, along with his educational programs--come ON, dude.

Bottom line:  Cheetah Tiger indicated that he wasn't sure when he'd go back to playing golf, but that he isn't ruling out this year.  Big. Fat. Surprise.

This dead horse will be beaten all day by the media.  Yeeesh.

Related posts:

1. Tiger Woods to Mel Gibson: “I don’t NEED your help, thanks.” And Michelle Obama to Barack regarding Tiger Woods: “Excuse me?”
2. Dr. Drew discusses Tiger Woods and that so-called “sex addiction”.
3. Tiger Woods’ New Family Photos

Tiger Woods and the Drew

God bless Dr. Drew for having such high hopes for Tiger Woods and his wife Elin, but MAN. It's not like Tiger had only one chick on the side. But you know what? I'm not sure which is worse; having to hear that your husband has cheated on you with over 10 women -- or like Jenny Sanford, the wife of South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, who had to listen to her husband discuss his Argentinian "soul mate",  long-distance lover Maria Belen Chapur.

South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford. "Poor me, poor me, POUR ME a drink."

I don't think there IS a "which would be worse" answer.

Ummm...Tiger? Good luck trying to get Elin into Family Therapy. Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Related posts:

1. Tiger Woods to Mel Gibson: “I don’t NEED your help, thanks.” And Michelle Obama to Barack regarding Tiger Woods: “Excuse me?”
2. Tiger Woods’ New Family Photos
3. Wow, Tiger Woods. Nice Vanity Fair cover. Lowest-selling issue ever?