Today’s Guest Reviewer – The Human Centipede

Couldn't resist. Saaaahray.

Oh boy.  I asked and I received.  Actually, we ALL received...what a fantastic review I received from one of my sweet Twitter girlfriends.  It's hilarious and spot-on.

"I'm a huge horror fan, a total gorehound. I'll watch whatever crappy monster movie SyFy happens to be playing at any given moment. I've seen Jason rise from the dead a 100 times and man cut off his foot to escape an industrial bathroom. None of it gets to me. Then along comes Human Centipede, the title alone makes you squirm. A big problem for me is when I put off seeing a movie, by the time I do watch it I've heard so much about it i'm barely interested. That's sort of the case with The Human Centipede.  After all I've heard, good and bad, I still had to see what all the fuss was about.

The movie opens with a man who we soon come to find out is a crazed scientist by the name of Dr. Heiter. He's standing out in the woods, looking at a picture of what appears to be dogs in a centipede like formation. Foreshadowing folks! An unlucky truck driver stops for the worst pee break of his life and is kidnapped by Heiter.

Cut to two American girls, Jenny and Lindsay, getting a flat tire and then being harassed by by a passing motorist. This is the best thing that happens to them the entire movie. Looking for help, they stumble upon Dr. Heiter's fancy schmancy home where they are invited in and drugged. They wake up in Heiter's makeshift hospital where he does us, the viewer, the girls and hell, even the truck driver himself a favor by killing him because he isn't a match. When have you ever seen a fat centipede?!  The good doctor quickly replaces him with a Japanese tourist named Katsuro. With the exception of Dr. Heiter, none of the other character's names even matter. They are treated less than human for 99.98% of the movie. Once he has his three parts, this is where the craziness begins.

Using my 5th grade Science teacher's overhead projector, Dr. Heiter explains his master plan to his patients. Apparently, Heiter got his nephew to draw the human centipede with a magic marker, that's how elementary the drawing is. We learn about his past failed experiment, referred to as ThreeDog, which also happens to be buried in his yard with a little tombstone that reads My Sweet ThreeDog. Humor. This is probably where you'll ask yourself, or whoever is brave enough to watch this with you, if that experiment failed, why is he doing this with humans? Don't ask questions, you'll hurt yourself.

There's an escape attempt by one of the girls, which results with her almost drowning in an indoor pool. Oh yeah, Dr. Heiter is rolling like that. There's some teeth extraction and some facial mutilation, and this isn't even the worst part. You don't really see anything, it's all implied. What you will imagine is much more gross than what you'll actually see. Isn't that the best kind of horror though?

When the human centipede is actually formed, you can't help but think about how uncomfortable the actors must have been shooting these scenes. It's a known rule that you never go ass to mouth. Heiter treats his new pet, well, like a dog. He yells at them, specifically Katsuro, when they don't do what he wants. ("FEED HER" should be the catchphrase of the summer, since you know, "release the Kraken" didn't really catch on.)  Dr. Heiter trains them, and makes them(well, Katsuro) eat out of a bowl.  As if they couldn't be humiliated enough, they are kept in a cage. The women get the raw end of the deal as Jenny is the last part and poor Lindsay is stuck in the middle. I kind of wish the order they were put in had some sort of explanation.

The doctor's plans start to go wrong when he realizes that Jenny is dying (of e-coli? A blood infection?), and having a pet centipede is a lot of work.  Two noisy cops, who apparently don't know anything about being cops, come sneaking around and give the centipede a chance to escape.  A "crawl chase" ensues between Heiter and his experiment after Katsuro stabs Heiter in the leg. Katsuro kills himself after some weird self revelation that he deserves what has happened to him because of things he has done in his life. Our dear Dr. Heiter meets his fate by being shot by one of the cops.

Here's the thing, the movie really isn't that good. It's not a "so bad it's good"- type of movie.  It's not even a good movie that had potential and then just kind of fell apart at the end. It's just sorta meh.  I'll give Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie a break seeing as how this is their first movie, but the acting is pretty bad. "Oh yeah mom, I got my first movie role today. What is it? Oh i'll be in the middle in a human centipede. Hello? Hello?!"  The best part of movie is undoubtedly Dr. Heiter, played by German actor Deiter Laser, who not only has one of the coolest names ever but also looks like the love child of Donatella Versace and Udo Keir.  He's creepy enough that you would never want to sit next to him on the subway. (Well, Julia might.) Directer Tom Six (seriously, with the names!) came up with the idea after discussing what would be the worst punishment for a child molester.  To have their mouth sewn to the anus of a fat truck driver.

Well then.  The shock value is definitely there but it's not as over the top as the title, and the poster, would have you believe. Definitely not for the squeamish, although I managed to eat afterwards. The idea of it is much more disturbing than the actual product. Still not for the faint of heart of the most fragile of minds.  If you plan to watch, make sure you hug your un-centipeded dogs afterwards!

Brittani L. ~  Just the girl you want.

This review almost made me weep--with laughter and genius.  Thank you, B...xoxo ~ j